There's no single best negotiation style. There are styles that fit each situation: closing a one-off purchase is nothing like renewing a contract with your biggest client, or asking your boss for a raise. Knowing which style you default to, and when to switch, is half the game.
In this guide we compare the five classic styles, look at why the Harvard method tends to produce better deals, and apply it to a negotiation most people keep putting off: asking for more money.
The 5 negotiation styles, compared
The Thomas-Kilmann model sorts the ways people handle conflict along two axes: how hard you push for your own interests (assertiveness) and how much you care about the other side's (cooperativeness). That gives you five styles.
| Style | What it aims for | When it works | Main risk |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competing | You win, even if they lose | One-off deals, with no second round | Damages the relationship and leaves value on the table |
| Collaborating | A deal that works for both sides | Long-term relationships and issues with several variables | Takes time, information and some trust |
| Accommodating | Protect the relationship by giving in | Low stakes, important relationship | Overdo it and you lose credibility and leverage |
| Avoiding | Postpone or skip the negotiation | Nothing to gain, or missing information | The problem grows while you wait |
| Compromising | Split the difference | Under time pressure, with evenly matched sides | Mediocre deals that satisfy no one |
When to use each style
None of them is bad in itself. The mistake is playing every round with the same card.
- Compete when the deal is a one-time thing, price is all that matters and you have good alternatives.
- Collaborate when you'll keep working with this person or there are several things at stake.
- Accommodate when the mistake was yours or a small concession buys a lot of goodwill.
- Avoid when emotions are running high and it's better to come back tomorrow.
- Compromise at the end, when all that's left is closing a small gap.
The Harvard method: principled negotiation
The best-known version of the collaborative style comes from Getting to Yes, by Roger Fisher and William Ury of the Harvard Negotiation Project. Their approach, principled negotiation, boils down to four ideas:
- Separate the people from the problem. You can be firm on the issue and kind to the person.
- Focus on interests, not positions. "I want 10% more" is a position; "I want my pay to reflect the responsibilities I already have" is an interest.
- Invent options for mutual gain. Before you split the pie, try to make it bigger.
- Insist on objective criteria. Market prices, published rates or what was done in similar cases.
The book adds a key concept: your BATNA, or best alternative to a negotiated agreement. It's what you'll do if there's no deal. The stronger it is, the more leverage you have and the less scary it is to walk away.
Pros
- More durable agreements, because both sides walk away with something they care about.
- Protects your relationship with clients, suppliers or your own employer.
- Forces you to prepare: interests, options and alternatives.
Cons
- Takes longer than haggling over a price.
- If the other side only competes, you need a clear BATNA so you don't give away too much.
- It takes practice: listening and asking good questions under pressure doesn't come naturally.
How to ask for a raise, step by step
Asking for a raise is a negotiation inside a long-term relationship. That's why a collaborative style usually works best, with a firm grip on your numbers. Caving at the first "now isn't a good time," or never asking at all, are two sure ways to lose.
- Gather evidence. Write down results, new responsibilities and problems you've solved over the past year, with concrete numbers.
- Research the market. Check salary reports for your field and similar job postings. That's your objective criterion.
- Set three numbers. What you'll ask for, what you'd consider a good deal, and the floor below which you'd turn to your BATNA.
- Know your real BATNA. Do you have another offer, an internal move, a plan B? Don't invent an offer: if they ask to see it, you lose their trust.
- Think about your manager's interests. They want to keep good people, stay on budget and avoid resentment on the team. Help them make the case for you to whoever signs off.
- Prepare extra variables. If base pay is frozen, you have other cards: a bonus tied to goals, training, remote days or a review with a set date six months out.
- Ask for a meeting about it, don't bring it up in the hallway. Open with what you contribute, name a specific number, then stop talking and listen.
- Close in writing. Recap the agreement in an email: amount, start date and, if there are goals, how they'll be measured.
A line to get you started: "Over the past year I've taken on X and we've achieved Y. I'd like to revisit my salary and bring it to Z, which is in line with what this role pays in our industry. What would you need to be able to put that forward?"
If the answer is "there's no budget," don't treat it as the end. Ask what would need to happen and when, and ask for that plan in writing.
What good negotiation training looks like
Reading helps, but negotiation is learned by doing. Good negotiation training makes you decide, get it wrong and receive feedback. Here's how the usual formats compare:
| Format | Best part | Weak spot |
|---|---|---|
| Books | Cheap and in-depth | No practice, no feedback |
| In-person workshop | Role plays with real people | Cost, fixed dates and travel |
| Online video course | Flexible and affordable | Lots of theory, little practice |
| One-on-one coaching | You prepare your own case | Usually the most expensive option |
| Simulator or serious game | You make decisions in full cases and see the consequences | Doesn't replace negotiating with real people |
Negotiate with clients a lot? Review the most widely used sales techniques too.
Where Game Strategies fits in
Our sales and negotiation courses include Merchants, the go-to game for negotiation. You play a young merchant in 15th-century Venice and work through six negotiation cases, from a dispute with a customer to a deal between nations. It takes about 10 hours, it's based on the Harvard method, and each case gives you feedback on what to improve.
Chocolate (2 hours) trains persuasion with seven principles and four cases, in the influence and persuasion category. And KAOS (45 minutes), under teamwork, gives you a method for mediating when a negotiation turns into a conflict.
All three are included in the annual catalog license: €299 per person (VAT included), with one year of access to all 71 games and a certificate of completion for each course that you can add to LinkedIn. One honest note: the simulator gives you risk-free practice, but you only beat the final level by sitting down to negotiate with a real person.
Frequently asked questions
What's the best negotiation style?
It depends on the situation. In long-term relationships, collaborating usually leads to stronger agreements; in a one-off deal focused on price, competing can make sense. What matters is choosing on purpose.
When is a good time to ask for a raise?
After a visible win, when you take on new responsibilities or before the year's budgets are locked in. Avoid doing it in the middle of a team crisis.
What should negotiation training include?
Preparation, interests versus positions, concessions and communication. Above all, practice with cases and feedback: that's the part that matters most.