Nonviolent communication at work: the 4 steps with examples

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a method created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg for saying what's going on with you and asking for what you need without blaming or attacking, and for listening to others the same way. It rests on four steps: observation, feeling, need and request.

Below you'll find the four steps explained, tense workplace phrases rewritten with the method, a table comparing it with passive, aggressive and assertive communication, and its limits.

What nonviolent communication is

Rosenberg developed the method starting in the 1960s and laid it out in his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The "nonviolent" part refers to the everyday violence in language: judgments, labels, blame and demands.

To explain it, he used two animals: the jackal, which talks by judging and blaming, and the giraffe, the land animal with the largest heart, which speaks from what it feels and needs. NVC works in two directions: expressing yourself honestly and listening with empathy. For the second part, our guide to active listening will help.

The 4 steps of nonviolent communication

1. Observation: facts, not judgments

Describe what happened the way a camera would record it. Words like "always," "never," "again" or "you're such a…" usually mean you're judging.

• Judgment: "You're always late."
• Observation: "You arrived after we'd started in the last three team meetings."

2. Feeling: what's happening for you

Name what you feel: worried, frustrated, tired, relieved. Watch out for fake feelings that are really accusations, like "I feel ignored" or "I feel attacked." Rosenberg pointed out that these words say more about what you think the other person did to you than about what you actually feel.

3. Need: what's underneath

Behind every feeling there's a need, met or unmet: clarity, support, recognition, predictability, respect, collaboration. In Rosenberg's view, what others do can trigger your feelings, but the cause lies in your needs.

4. Request: one concrete action

Ask for something concrete, doable and phrased positively (what you want, not what you don't). And make it a real request: the other person can say no. If no isn't an option, it's a demand.

• Demand: "Don't let it happen again."
• Request: "Could you message me if you're going to be more than five minutes late?"

The basic structure is: "When [observation], I feel [feeling] because I need [need]. Would you be willing to [request]?" Use it as a mental guide, not a script to read out loud.

Nonviolent communication examples at work

A coworker who interrupts you

Tense version: "You always cut me off in meetings."

With NVC: "Today, while I was walking through the budget, you interrupted me twice (observation). I felt frustrated (feeling) because I need to finish my explanation so the team has all the data (need). Could you note your questions and bring them up at the end? (request)"

Your manager keeps changing priorities

Tense version: "It's impossible to work like this, you change everything every day."

With NVC: "This week the project priorities changed three times. I'm confused and a bit overwhelmed, because I need to know where to focus to do a good job. Could we spend ten minutes on Mondays setting the top three priorities for the week?"

A teammate delivers late

Tense version: "Late again. We can't count on you."

With NVC: "The report we agreed on for Tuesday came in on Thursday. I'm worried, because I need us to deliver what we promised the client. Would you give me a day's notice if you see you won't make it, so we can reorganize?"

You get criticized

A client tells you: "You people never respond on time." Instead of defending yourself, try to guess their feeling and need: "Are you frustrated because you need a quick answer when a problem comes up?" That opens the door to talking about the real issue.

Passive, aggressive, assertive and nonviolent communication

Assertiveness and NVC get along well: both avoid going silent and avoid attacking. The difference is the focus. Assertiveness emphasizes stating your position clearly; NVC adds explicit listening for what the other person needs. When concrete interests clash, like a price or a deadline, negotiation techniques come into play.

The limits of nonviolent communication

• At first it sounds scripted. Blurting out "when… I feel… because I need…" can sound like a manual. Use your own words; you don't have to say all four steps out loud.
• It takes practice. Under pressure, the jackal comes out first. You need reps.
• It's not a manipulation tool. If you use it to get your way in a nice tone, people notice.
• It doesn't solve everything. Some conflicts need mediation or a decision from whoever leads the team.
• Talking about feelings is hard in some workplaces. Adjust your vocabulary: "I'm concerned" or "this worries me" work in any meeting.

How to practice NVC day to day

• Judgment hunting: every day, rewrite one sentence from your emails or messages as an observation.
• Prepare in writing your next difficult conversation using the four steps, and rehearse it with someone you trust.

Where Game Strategies fits

Game Strategies serious games let you practice these steps inside a story, make decisions and get instant feedback. For nonviolent communication, these are the most relevant:

• Iris (1 h 30 min): three friends, one prototype and a month to win over an investor. You learn to observe without judgment, express emotions, identify the needs behind them and make effective requests. It's part of the teamwork courses.
• KAOS (45 min): conflict management with a clear method to mediate, agree on a solution and prevent the next clash.
• Christmas (50 min): assertiveness. You tell passive, aggressive and assertive behavior apart and build assertive messages in four steps. It's one of the communication courses.

They're all included in the annual license at €299 per user (VAT included), which gives you one year of access to all 71 games in the catalog. When you finish each course, you get a certificate of completion you can add to LinkedIn.

A game won't have the hard conversation with your coworker for you: that one's yours. What it does give you is a place to make mistakes with no consequences before the real match. To strengthen the foundations, NVC pairs well with other soft skills like emotional intelligence.